Notes on Being Single in February

The month of February is the month of love. The season is filled with affection, chocolate hearts, roses, teddy bears, candy, and couples. It’s everywhere and it’s loud. Often the season is loved by people who have a significant other and hated by those who don’t. Both are reasonable reactions, but below are a few of my personal notes on singleness, because as someone who has been single for nearly two decades, singleness can be a blessing, but it requires a certain perspective.

Notes on singleness and how it affects your mental health

Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day where there are public displays of affection, it just is really loud. Being single often hurts every day, but Valentine’s Day is one of the worst. I can’t tell you how many times I have walked past a couple hugging at the bus stop or holding hands on the way to class and I am overcome with a mixture of sadness, confusion, and slight jealousy that I don’t have that special someone. But on Valentine’s Day it’s easy to let your feelings bubble up into a rage of anger. It hurts to not understand why you don’t have that special someone. The longer you have been perpetually single, the more it hurts. It’s easy to blame yourself and ask, “what’s wrong with me?” “Do I need to change?” “Am I ugly?” Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect and beautiful/handsome the way you are. Such questions can lead to self-criticism, isolation, and other harmful patterns that negatively affect mental health.

Even more, it doesn’t help that there isn’t much help or recognition out there. Singleness is overlooked or covered up with cheesy, generic, stereotypical sentences such as “it’s okay, you’re just in a season of singleness,” “just be patient, the right person will come,” “you just need to put yourself out there more.” It reminds me of when I ran on my high school cross country team and the fans would scream “Just keep running!!” What am I going to do, stop MID RACE?! NO! I’m in a race. The LAST thing I’m going to do is stop. And when I do, it will be AFTER I cross the finish line! I know they have the right intentions in attempting to encourage me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still hurting during the race. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still hurting in my so-called “season of singleness.” Although it may hurt, the pains of loneliness build emotional depth and self-awareness that will help in the future with managing stress, communicating effectively, building stronger relationships, making better decisions, and improving overall mental health.

Notes on “Galentine’s” and “being your own Valentine”

Valentine’s Day alone shouldn’t bring friends together; they should be doing that all throughout the year. The truth is that Valentine’s Day is a day for couples. “Galentine’s” and the argument that you should be your own valentine and treat yourself to something can feel like a distraction rather than a solution. They are meaningful, but they are not complete substitutes. Most single people treat themselves all the time because the season they are in is simpler. No significant other to spend excessive time with. No one to impress. No one to entertain. No one to care for. No one to worry about. No one to love. I’m my own valentine every day. I have my own movie nights all throughout the year, I’ll treat myself to a nice meal by myself. I’ll go on random side quests myself. But every time I treat myself there will be a moment where I think to myself “wow, this is great, but having someone to do this with would make it a million times better.” Often treating yourself or attending a Galentine’s can make you feel lonelier because it points out the absence of a significant other.

Notes on what singleness can teach you

This section is the most important of the three. I believe love will come if you allow it. It takes a lot of strength to choose to believe love will come without knowing when. You need to learn how to hold hope for the future while practicing patience. Let go of timelines. Let go of comparison. It is human nature to compare yourself to others, but comparison is often the root of unhealthy mental health patterns.

With all that being said, singleness is not bad! You are independent. You are free. As mentioned earlier, your life is truly simpler. You have less responsibilities when it comes to relationships, and you can grow more friendships since you don’t have one person taking the majority of your time. Learn how to be your best self. Eat healthy, workout, study, go to church, and find what you love to do and who you love to do it with.

Additionally, you are in a unique position to have the opportunity to be a student and to learn from your friends in relationships. Ask questions, ask for tips and guidance. Ask about hypothetical situations. Ask about their struggles and how they overcame them. Learn everything you can before actually committing to a relationship, so when you do find the love of your life, you’ll be set for nearly every circumstance.

In summary, singleness is a quiet and often misunderstood experience. It can be lonely and often painful, but it isn’t a failure or because you aren’t good enough. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. Singleness is not a waiting room for your life to begin. It’s important to recognize that your life is full now, you can still have fun by yourself or with friends, and love can still be ahead.

Be Well, Auburn.